The Functional Hermit

musings from a homebody

Posts Tagged ‘NFL

How to survive the NFL Offseason Part II: Explosion Movies

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Okay, I’m just now beginning to come to grips with my deep depression that is the NFL offseason. Not to say that I’m happy about it. They even screwed up the Pro Bowl. That’s right, they screwed up the most meaningless Allstar exhibition in professional sports. The Pro Bowl was a great way to transition into the offseason. Now all it was good for was Bryant McKinnie’s Twitter feed.

But fear not. Grab your nutsack and remember that you’re a man. Football is a good way to keep us in touch with our baser and more primal male instincts, but it’s not the only way. Also, you don’t want to go around constantly grabbing your nutsack. My wife would probably be cool with it going on all the time but maybe your wife isn’t as progressive as mine.

One thing you can do to grow some hair on your ass without football is to pop in a good explosion movie. You know, a movie with explosives, car chases, gunfights and other forms of male bonding. Here’s a quick list of a few good places to start:

The Bourne Trilogy

Each movie, on its own, is suspenseful and action packed. But put together, they tell a great overall story.

"The Raiders are going to win next year's Super Bowl? I'm going to kick your ass for even suggesting it."

Everyone knows the deal. Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) wakes up one day with incredible, super-agent skills but no idea who he really is. Each movie brings him closer to the truth. Meanwhile he blows things up, steals motorcycles, shoots his way out of an embassy, punches guys in the throat and many other things most of us only dream about. As a three-movie set, there is no weak link. Personally, I most prefer the second installment because it has the best villain (Keith Urban).

Band of Brothers

If a three-movie set isn’t enough for you, here’s a sprawling 5-disc mini-series. Get to know the men of Easy Company from the 101st Airbourne as they fight their way through WWII’s Europe.

"Hold up. I think I see the NFL combine coming up ahead."

This fact-based opus hits on a lot of war-movie clichés but it handles them well. Gritty and bloody, it shows the horrors of war as well as the ‘noble’ causes that justified our part in the fight. Band of Brothers sets the bar for a war mini-series.

Layer Cake

I don’t care what anybody else says. Playing the lead in this movie is what gave Daniel Craig the role of James Bond with a precious, frilly bow on top. This is one smooth motherfucker who just happens to be great at selling cocaine.

"Nope, from up here Jerry Jones' ego still looks way too big."

Don’t blame him. It’s not an easy job and someone has to do it. Watch Sienna Miller literally burn herself onto your retinas with very little screen time. There’s not a lot of action in this movie, just a whole lot of maneuvering. Enjoy the unpredictable ride up the drugworld ladder.


Fighting to the death rarely disappoints. It was popular in ancient Rome and it still draws an audience today. Maximus (Russell Crowe) joins many other legendary action heroes who need no more than one name. In fact, what the fuck is the rest of his name anyway?

"A bengal? Is going to hurt me? I don't Ocho Thinkso."

This movie has so much blood-spurting, extremity-chopping action you really don’t care that this movie has no idea how to come to an end. Literally. It seems like someone unexpectedly announced they had to wrap in an hour and this is the best they could come up with. But by that point, you just feel lucky to have all your limbs still intact.

Hopefully these will help get you started. Check back for more ways to keep the testosterone level high until next September.


Written by the bee dub

February 23, 2010 at 3:16 pm

How to survive the NFL offseason

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If you have any idea how to do this, please let me know.

Written by the bee dub

February 17, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Posted in Daily Happenings, NFL Ramblings

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The best time of year

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photo from ESPN

The best time of year is now over. That special sweet spot in sports, when regular season football and the baseball playoffs are in full gear has just come to an end. Starting in October, almost every night of the week there was a game of some sort on. It was glorious. Now it’s over. And the New York Yankees are World Series champions once again. For a brief moment in time, all is right in my universe.

Written by the bee dub

November 5, 2009 at 4:54 pm

What NFL games are you getting on Sunday?

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A while ago a friend of mine showed me this awesome website that shows, in map form, what game you will be getting from what network on Sunday. For those of us without DirectTV’s NFL Sunday Ticket, it’s a good way to plan ahead or prepare yourself to follow your favorite team via internet play-by-play coverage. It isn’t official or anything. It’s just some guy who does it out of love for the game.

Anyway check it out here. It’s been dead on for me so far all season.

Written by the bee dub

October 30, 2009 at 10:37 am

Posted in NFL Ramblings

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NFL Opening Day 2009:

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ny_giants_car_magnetSeptember. A time of year when folks from all over the country come to enjoy Chicago’s most temperate time of year. But screw all that. And those people. I’m here for football.

Normally the opening day of the NFL would be commemorated with waking up early, getting all errands dealt with, then locking the front door and hunkering down to the serious business that is being a fan of American professional football.

This year, I flew to Chicago to soak in 36 hours of college and pro pigskin action with my friend Furr. I knew I picked the right friend to do this with when he makes the comment, “Let’s try to make sure we don’t have to leave the house for anything on Sunday.” Damn right. Our other friend Dan was just here a few days ago and it’s too bad we couldn’t all get together for this. It’s the only way I would have had a better time than I did.

I boarded a noon-ish plane on Saturday and immediately got stuck in a traffic jam once we left O’Hare International. But we did get back to his widescreen in time to see Tennessee go down (sorry Ryan).

l woods

For dinner he suggested a place he described as a Wisconsin hunting lodge. Who was I to disagree? Besides the overabundance of Notre Dame fans who loudly bemoaned the last minutes of their loss to Michigan, the place kicked ass. Salad. Flatbread with pesto, cheese and Italian sausage. Dry rub baby backs. This was good eating. Too good.

We went back to his place and did a shot of bourbon to get ourselves going again but we never achieved the same enthusiasm we had before dinner. Oh well, we did watch Ohio State lose to yet another ranked, non-conference USC and caught highlights of Serena Williams supposedly ‘threatening’ a US Open official. Weird. Called it a night and made plans for breakfast.

over easy cafe

This was a key call as it was to serve as the foundation for the biggest day of the year. Furr directed us to a new breakfast discovery of his and it kicked ass. I got a poorly named dish called Sassy Eggs. The name is lame but the eggs layered with cheese, chorizo, potatoes and guacamole was awesome and was a solid way to start the day.

sassy eggssassy finished

For the rest of the day, we vowed once we walked back into his house we weren’t walking out again for any reason. We were going to have to survive on beer and whatever pizza we could get delivered, though we did diversify with thin and Chicago-style.

Pregame was a mix of ESPN and Fox. Gamewise, started the day with Brett Favre’s return and the launch of Percy Harvin’s stellar year for my fantasy team. Enjoyed my’ Giants defeat the Redskins in the middle. Then watched Furr’s Bears and Jay Cutler throw away a game to an amped up Green Bay defense.

By the time the day was over, I had almost 100 fantasy football points and a big chunk of lost brain cells. Besides a lengthy wait on the plane for a switch to be repaired before takeoff, this trip went off without a hitch. This was a good reason for the hermit to go mobile.

Written by the bee dub

September 16, 2009 at 9:59 am

Falcons GM scores big with trade but not with mustache

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Thomas Dimitroff pulled off one of the most best trades of this offseason, scoring Tony Gonzalez from the Chiefs for the Falcons’ second-round pick next year. Awesome move for them considering that Tony Gonzalez had more red-zone touchdowns from inside the 10 yard line than the entire Falcons’ team did last season.

Unfortunately, Dimitroff has decided to start sporting a new mustache. My guess is this is because he looks so young he’s going for a more seasoned, mature look. In reality, it just makes him look like a bad Willem Dafoe impersonator.

Written by the bee dub

April 24, 2009 at 6:48 pm

I can finally bring myself to write an entry again

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The dark days are upon us. Football is over. Kaput. Really. The next thing we have to look forward to is the NFL draft in April and by then, I’ll be taking in as much over-hyped, excessive coverage as I can.

Football really ended three weeks ago, with the conclusion of the AFC and NFC Championships. Then we get the bye week to build up more Super Bowl hype. Strangely, this was a very hype and scandal free buildup for once. Then we get the big game which was simply outstanding this year.

Then this last weekend we had the Pro Bowl. I can never bring myself to watch more than five to ten minutes of it. I try. I really do. But this is a sport that truly does not translate very well into any sort of all star exhibition.

After that, I curl up in the fetal position and wait. I do enjoy baseball and the NCAA basketball tourney. But nothing comes close to pro football for me. Nothing. Until we kickoff the 2009 season, wish me luck. Let’s see how deep this dark hole of depression can get.

Written by the bee dub

February 10, 2009 at 1:54 pm

Posted in Daily Happenings

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