The Functional Hermit

musings from a homebody

Archive for the ‘NFL Ramblings’ Category

Brett Favre: The slow, sad goodbye

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How much would you risk for one more walk in the sun? Brett Favre has put far more into jeopardy than he possibly ever imagined by coming back for one last season, again.

There was a time when the very large percentage of my soul that is a football fan was in awe of all things Brett Favre. This started in the 90’s and continued for over a decade. The way he played the game was like a schoolboy enjoying his first recess in months. His meetings with the press after the games were honest, blunt and entertaining. Beneath his feet was sacred ground.

It seemed any mistake would be forgiven because of all he had given to the sport. His mistakes on the field and his aw-shucks demeanor were part of what made him so human. He seemed like some guy you knew who just ended up there somehow. Outside of some comments he made when Javon Walker made a contract holdout from the Green Bay Packers, he never came close to making a mistake off the field.

He had it all it seemed. A Hall of Fame NFL career. Lucrative off-field endorsements. A loving family and devoted wife who is a cancer survivor at that.

Then he started considering retirement. Now hit the repeat button and hold it down. Professional sports is big business and it’s understandable that the Packers would want to move forward with a person willing to commit beyond the current season. When the Packerrs tried to play that card, Brett balked. He walked his game to the NY Jets for one forgettable year that all contemporary  sports legends seemingly have to experience before walking away.

Then he defied historic pattern, went to the Vikings and the magic came back. They marched all the way to the NFC Championship and were so close to a dream Super Bowl they could taste it and were able to coax Brett back for one more try. I say coax because at no time this season has it ever seemed like Brett really wanted to be playing in the NFL. Have you ever seen footage of players arriving at the stadium? I saw Brett arrive for his first game this year and he looked like a man walking to a root canal. The chips are not going the Vike’s way this year and there is little joy visible in Brett’s game.

But he was clean. Not like a politician who claims to have never, ever have watched porn of any kind. Brett was clean because he generally came across like a regular guy. Nobody ever really imagined him doing anything but what regular guys would do.

Then came the Jenn Sterger controversy. He has admitted to leaving the alleged voicemails but denies sending her pictures of him fondling himself. According to the report, the pictures were sent from the same number as the voicemails. So if he left the voicemails, someone went to a CIA/gangster hacker level of trouble to make it ‘look like’ he sent the pictures. If he had not come back for this last season with the Vikings, I doubt anyone would really give a rat’s ass about this story.

So here’s what Brett has laid on the line to play this season. First is his legacy as a football player, with the added tarnish of an athlete who doesn’t know how to walk away from the game with grace or dignity. Second is his streak of consecutive games started, which I think is way, way more important to Brett than he ever admits or maybe even realizes. His aging body is going to require him to sit a few games if he is going to rely on his body come playoff time.

But beyond that, with the recent scandal, what else can he lose? His wife and loving family? Clearly shady things were going on. His endorsements? If not, I guess being a Wrangler-kind-of-guy means courting women with cock photos.

He had it all. And for this one season, he could lose it. Maybe he doesn’t give a shit. That’s his right. Personally, I think he needs a little more George Costanza in him. Always leave them wanting more…

Written by the bee dub

October 28, 2010 at 10:38 am

Roethlisberger may be gone sooner than anyone thinks

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Now that the District Attorney’s papers, files and investigation have been made public, I believe Ben Roethlisberger will not be playing for the Pittsburgh Steelers when the 2010 NFL season kicks off.

Yesterday after work, one of my coworkers seemed pretty convinced the Steelers would be getting rid of Big Big sooner than later. I had pretty much convinced myself that they’d be getting rid of him after the season. But the more details come out, the more tawdry and ridiculous the whole situation seems. What the hell is Roethlisberger doing buying underage girls shots and then trying to mack down on them? Clearly his entourage were acting like roadies for some 70’s rock band, gathering girls to be brought backstage for sexual favors. There’s also now been multiple recent allegations, including his most recent accuser, of Roethlisberger exposing himself to women as a way of coming on to them. (If this is true, I’m guessing he has a penis he’s pretty proud of.)

The bottom line is, this story isn’t going away any time soon. Ben tried to make amends during his press conference but I don’t think people wanted to hear about he was going to channel his energy into making sure his game is on the highest level. There’s something much more real world going on here and it seems he’s simply too removed, dim or simply privileged to understand it. It’s going to be something that all his teammates and Steeler officials will have to comment on again and again and again.That spells doom. There hasn’t been any team I can remember who has had to deal with a controversy of such a scale and still had a great season.

Besides all the recent allegations revealed in the District Attorney’s report, this is also the same guy who was alleged to have sexually assaulted another young woman a year ago and was also unrepentant about getting into a major motorcycle accident without wearing a helmet.

The Steelers are old school. That’s not to say they don’t look the other way with certain players who misbehave. They have, much like most NFL teams with needs on the field. But in the TMZ era, this is just more than an organization led by the Rooney family is willing to tolerate.

Assuming they get any kind of decent offer for a trade – and there’s always going to be demand for a young quarterback who has won two Super Bowls – I think he’s going to be gone. You heard it here first…

Written by the bee dub

April 16, 2010 at 4:47 pm

How to survive the NFL Offseason Part II: Explosion Movies

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Okay, I’m just now beginning to come to grips with my deep depression that is the NFL offseason. Not to say that I’m happy about it. They even screwed up the Pro Bowl. That’s right, they screwed up the most meaningless Allstar exhibition in professional sports. The Pro Bowl was a great way to transition into the offseason. Now all it was good for was Bryant McKinnie’s Twitter feed.

But fear not. Grab your nutsack and remember that you’re a man. Football is a good way to keep us in touch with our baser and more primal male instincts, but it’s not the only way. Also, you don’t want to go around constantly grabbing your nutsack. My wife would probably be cool with it going on all the time but maybe your wife isn’t as progressive as mine.

One thing you can do to grow some hair on your ass without football is to pop in a good explosion movie. You know, a movie with explosives, car chases, gunfights and other forms of male bonding. Here’s a quick list of a few good places to start:

The Bourne Trilogy

Each movie, on its own, is suspenseful and action packed. But put together, they tell a great overall story.

"The Raiders are going to win next year's Super Bowl? I'm going to kick your ass for even suggesting it."

Everyone knows the deal. Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) wakes up one day with incredible, super-agent skills but no idea who he really is. Each movie brings him closer to the truth. Meanwhile he blows things up, steals motorcycles, shoots his way out of an embassy, punches guys in the throat and many other things most of us only dream about. As a three-movie set, there is no weak link. Personally, I most prefer the second installment because it has the best villain (Keith Urban).

Band of Brothers

If a three-movie set isn’t enough for you, here’s a sprawling 5-disc mini-series. Get to know the men of Easy Company from the 101st Airbourne as they fight their way through WWII’s Europe.

"Hold up. I think I see the NFL combine coming up ahead."

This fact-based opus hits on a lot of war-movie clichés but it handles them well. Gritty and bloody, it shows the horrors of war as well as the ‘noble’ causes that justified our part in the fight. Band of Brothers sets the bar for a war mini-series.

Layer Cake

I don’t care what anybody else says. Playing the lead in this movie is what gave Daniel Craig the role of James Bond with a precious, frilly bow on top. This is one smooth motherfucker who just happens to be great at selling cocaine.

"Nope, from up here Jerry Jones' ego still looks way too big."

Don’t blame him. It’s not an easy job and someone has to do it. Watch Sienna Miller literally burn herself onto your retinas with very little screen time. There’s not a lot of action in this movie, just a whole lot of maneuvering. Enjoy the unpredictable ride up the drugworld ladder.


Fighting to the death rarely disappoints. It was popular in ancient Rome and it still draws an audience today. Maximus (Russell Crowe) joins many other legendary action heroes who need no more than one name. In fact, what the fuck is the rest of his name anyway?

"A bengal? Is going to hurt me? I don't Ocho Thinkso."

This movie has so much blood-spurting, extremity-chopping action you really don’t care that this movie has no idea how to come to an end. Literally. It seems like someone unexpectedly announced they had to wrap in an hour and this is the best they could come up with. But by that point, you just feel lucky to have all your limbs still intact.

Hopefully these will help get you started. Check back for more ways to keep the testosterone level high until next September.

Written by the bee dub

February 23, 2010 at 3:16 pm

How to survive the NFL offseason

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If you have any idea how to do this, please let me know.

Written by the bee dub

February 17, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Posted in Daily Happenings, NFL Ramblings

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Super Bowl Prediction

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You heard it here first, people.

Jets / Cowboys Super Bowl this year.

Written by the bee dub

January 15, 2010 at 1:20 pm

Posted in NFL Ramblings

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Why I love John Gruden as an NFL analyst

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I’ve really been enjoying John Gruden on Monday Night Football. I think the current three-man team is the best they’ve had on the show in years. Jaworski is a passionate football spaz. Tirico is the straight man. Gruden is the knowledgeable ex-coach fresh off the sidelines. He’s still learning his way and sometimes has trouble turning his football knowledge into verbiage the average fan can understand. But on the whole I find him informative and entertaining, kind of like Madden was before he became…Madden.

Last night on Sportscenter there was a great example of why I enjoy Gruden’s analysis.

Mike Tirico: So what can you say about the Cleveland offense?

Gruden: What offense?

Written by the bee dub

November 17, 2009 at 10:59 am

What NFL games are you getting on Sunday?

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A while ago a friend of mine showed me this awesome website that shows, in map form, what game you will be getting from what network on Sunday. For those of us without DirectTV’s NFL Sunday Ticket, it’s a good way to plan ahead or prepare yourself to follow your favorite team via internet play-by-play coverage. It isn’t official or anything. It’s just some guy who does it out of love for the game.

Anyway check it out here. It’s been dead on for me so far all season.

Written by the bee dub

October 30, 2009 at 10:37 am

Posted in NFL Ramblings

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Week 6 NFL Menu: Bitter disappointment and roast chicken

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Why Giants, wmy? Et tu, Eli? There’s a moment in every first-half of the season where the Giants get labeled the ‘class’ of the NFC. Usually, this happens right before a matchup against another ‘class’ of the NFC-types. Result. Always the same. Giants go down in flames. But in the recent history of the NFL, it really only matters how you’re playing at the end of the season. Still this game stings. Bad.

What does this have to do with dinner? The Giants got pounded so bad it literally ruined my day. I could hardly even bring myself to record any of the meal for posterity so I apologize. Especially because the Roast chicken and vegetable recipe is kick ass. I don’t have any pictures of the finished product because I was drowning in drunken disappointment. But here’s the recipe and pictures of the prep.


Preheat oven to 425 degrees.

Take a five-pound-ish chicken. I actually did two. Rinse it and pat it dry. Stuff the cavity with a sliced bulb of garlic cloves, half a lemon and a handful of fresh thyme.

Melt a couple of tablespoons of butter and have a brush ready.

In a baking dish, combine a one-pound bag of baby carrots, a bunch of yellow, gold or red potatoes, a chopped onion and a handful of sprigs of thyme. Mix it all up with a good pour of good extra virgin olive oil. Add plenty of salt and pepper. Arrange it all evenly so you can set the chicken(s) on it.

Place the chicken on the potato/carrot mixture. Brush the chicken with the butter. Squeeze half a lemon of fresh lemon juice over the chickens. Salt and pepper the chickens.

Place in the oven for an hour and a half, depending on the chicken. Remove chicken to a cutting board and cover with foil. Let rest for five to ten minutes.

Then dig in.

Written by the bee dub

October 20, 2009 at 6:42 pm

The downside of fantasy football

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I have one of the very best fantasy players on my squad in Drew Brees. He carried me all the way to a championship last year and this year he’s been lighting it up again, more or less.

Here’s the problem. I’m a Giants fan. Big time. (Go fucking G-men…) I also have Eli Manning on my team. He’s pretty good too but Brees usually puts up ridiculous, video-game-like numbers. How can I play Brees, the statistically smart choice, against my team? This is also a huge, undefeated meatchup between the Giants and Saints. So I stuck with my heart and played Eli. How can I put bad mojo against my team?

Now I’m watching Drew Brees and the rest of their offense shred the Giants’ defense. (Time to pick up the pressure, defense.) Even ex-Giant Jeremy Shockey has scored a TD against us. This is awful.

C,mon Big Blue, don’t let me down.

Written by the bee dub

October 18, 2009 at 2:14 pm

Brett Favre retires and unretires one more time before kickoff

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This just in. Brett has retired and unretired just before kickoff, just to mess with Tavaris Jackson’s head.

Written by the bee dub

September 13, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Posted in NFL Ramblings

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