Life according to TV commercials

If I were an alien who just plopped onto planet Earth and started watching TV, I’d probably make a few assumptions about the life we’re leading here in the good old U.S. of A.

- I’d never be able to hold down a job, as everyone assures me they’ll either handle or forgive payments I’m responsible when I inevitably become unemployed

- doctors are complete idiots, unable to correctly prescribe medicine without our direct input and suggestion (there’s a few pharmaceutical observations here, bear with me)

- I would be unable to have sex without popping one of many pills, if willing to risk a dangerous, four-hour erection

- the male urinary tract is so dysfunctional it either starts peeing and cannot stop or cannot start peeing in the first place

- our food supply is so infected that we need medicine to cure the resulting acid reflux, irritable bowels and other myriad intestinal maladies

- signing up for Verizon Wireless means thousands of creepy types wearing khakis will follow me wherever I go

- alcohol is a very, very popular product that nobody actually needs to consume as its real purpose is to be displayed in a public area where I will immediately be surrounded by attractive members of the opposite sex

- America is populated by very attractive, very fit, very Caucasian people, though they all seem to have one or two non-white friends in the crowd

- sign up for some sort of website and the person I always dreamed of, nay, even better than I would be capable of finding myself will match with me instantaneously and we will marry

- eating fast food will apparently keep me from becoming overweight or the even the slightest bit depressed

- many companies have learned how to bend time and space as they are all capable of bringing you the future, today

- we are so unsatisfied with our own realities that we use devices known as video games and high-definition televisions to create an alternate reality more lifelike and enjoyable

- ‘at the touch of a button’ is the single, most important technology ever invented

- I don’t know what ‘retirement’ is but the mere mention of the word sure scares the total shit out of a lot of people

Tags: tv commercials